Two. Things. Can. Be. True.
Taking firm decisions as a leader and building connection with your team
Hi worklifers,
I have been reading one of the best parenting books that is touching the right chord for me. It is Good Inside by the author Dr. Becky Kennedy, and she talks about this powerful concept called Two. Things. Can. Be. True.
Here is how Dr. Becky explains it: Two things are true here: as parents we can make decisions that we think are best AND care about our kids' feelings about those decisions. These are two totally separate things.
Here's an example, which will make the point clearer:
Situation: Your child wants to watch a movie that you deem to be inappropriate for his age. Your child is very upset, telling you that all of his friends have seen it, that you're the worst parent ever, that he'll never talk to you again.
Your Decision: My child cannot watch this movie.
Your Child's Feelings: Upset, Disappointed, Angry, Left Out.
If only one of these can be true, then your child's feelings have to overrule your decision. And if tell yourself that caring about your child's feelings has to be linked to your decision making, then you definitely will change your mind to prove to yourself that you're a good loving mother.
This might sound like this: "Two things are true, sweetie. First, I have decided that you cannot watch that movie. Second, you're upset and mad at me, like really really made. I hear that. I even understand it. You're allowed to be mad."
Try these words aloud but also just in your head the next time you set a boundary. Remember, you don't have to choose between firm decisions and loving validation. Both can be true.
Two. Things. Can. Be. True. Taking firm decisions as a decision and building connection with your team.
Lately, the pressure at work has been harder than normal. We are growing our business and must meet targets. Moreover, the general mantra during these macro-economic times is to do more with less. As leaders we can find ourselves really stretched thin to run our teams effectively while keeping up our and there energy and motivation. We must ruthlessly prioritize, we have no time to indulge in our failures, and are called upon every single day to make hard decisions and get our teams to understand these and mobilize them.
I love the learning and I am growing at an exponential rate, because I am failing fast and hard every single day. I have chosen to be a leader so making decisions on behalf of others and for them comes with the role. At the same time, when I draw boundaries with the team and take firm decisions, I feel sad at times knowing they feel stressed about these decisions.
I have been really trying to reflect, why I feel sad. I have come to reflect it is because I feel less empathetic. I am going so fast at times bulldozing through the day, that I don't have time to step back and realize how people may feel about the decisions I am making as leader. That guilt and shame has kept me stuck on days and then that translates into sadness. As my self-awareness kicks in, I step back, pause and check-in with myself and my team members to re-build empathy and connection.
But just like the above, I have come to realize that two things can be true: as leaders we can make take hard calls that we think are best AND care about our team members feelings about those decisions. These are two totally separate things.
Situation: My team wants more time to ship the feature. My team is upset, because I am asking them to put in more hours and resources to meet the dates.
My decision: Let us try to mitigate the risk and still ship on time.
My teams feeling: Upset, Stressed, Frustrated, Constrained, Left out
Dr. Becky's framework allowed me to re-think about self-empathy for myself and my team and to get unstuck. I realized I am capable of push backing with firmness and drawing the boundary that we must ship on time. Yet, at the same time I can validate my team's feeling about how the decision makes them feel. It does cause stress and frustration and that is also true.
If only one of these can be true, then my team's feelings would overrule my decision. And if I tell myself that caring about my teams’ feelings has to be linked to my decision making, then I will definitely change my mind to prove to myself that doing so makes me a good leader.
This might sound like this: "Two things are true, team. First, I have decided that we cannot slip the date. Second, you are going to feel stressed and frustrated that I have not been able to buy us more time. I hear that. I even understand it, & I am going to be part of this with you. You're allowed to be frustrated and mad at me."
It is such a game changer when you realize you don’t have to fight this out but allow both things to be true and build the courage and vulnerability to try and practice these words aloud the next time we find ourselves drawing a boundary or making a hard decision. We must remember, we don't have to choose between firm decisions and loving validation of our team members at work or our children at home. Both can be true.
Maithili Vijay Dandige